A Light-Skinned Asian’s Attempt At Unpacking Her Privilege

The #notyourasiansidekick discussion touched on what I see as one of the biggest hurdle to feminism/POC solidarity, mutual validation between APIs and other POC. APIs feel invisible, hiding and hidden oftentimes by the “model minority” label. Personally, any racial or sexist discrimination I faced I have attempted to write off as not being a big enough deal to make a fuss about. Sure, it slowly chips away at me that there is no voice for API people in U.S. politics, API women are continually sexualized and meant to see it as a compliment, and no one in the media looks remotely like me, but that shouldn’t be a big deal, right? I still “look white,” right? Isn’t that enough? Shouldn’t I, a half API, half Caucasian (I describe myself thusly while internally hating the idea of being two halves, two parts continually separate from one another which together make up a split being), be happy that my skin is pale enough to pass, be “accepted,” in a cursory way, for an ethnicity that I partly identify with? Even though this pale skin does not reflect the darker, smoother, shiny skin of my father, I don’t have any right to complain. That’s what I’ve been told, discretely, quickly from anyone I dare mention discrimination to, feeling like lesser than, not a part of.

“You’re not even Chinese,” I’ve been told by many people, them somehow benefiting from dismissing half of my ancestry.

Listening to Miriam Yeung talk during the Google Hangout, she identified the first generation Asian Americans, a group I am a part of, as the bridge generation. 80 percent of ASAM adults are foreign born. 80 percent! I had never dreamed it was that many. She said it’s now our responsibility to bring these conversations about ASAM issues back to our families, but how do you talk to the disenfranchised if your parent’s language was never passed down? If any connection you could have with the disenfranchised was assimilated out? Who are we, those with the features of two races, and therefore the features of none, reaching out to?

I have joked in the past about a “racially ambiguous” title for those of us who are asked “Where are you from?”, have people comment on our features as being indicators of this or that race, and generally feel like an outsider with all racial groups. Perhaps passing as a white woman is particularly hard for me because my father was an outsider in our community. I had no Chinese friends when I was a kid, I rarely ever saw another Asian person in our town at all. I had a few friends who were Filipino, who spoke Tagalog to their parents over the phone, but our mutual Asian heritage was not discussed outside of me asking, “Have you ever been in an Asian supermarket? You know that smell?” That smell was recently killed fish airing on ice chip beds in the back section of the store. I hoped this knowledge, briefly shared, would make my experiences the norm. There had to have been a Chinese girl my age at my school, but our paths never crossed. Shouldn’t I have met her in AP Calculus? Or Mock Trial?

It is our natural state to compare ourselves to others, including who has it worse and who has it better. Sometimes the only comfort is that we have kept going despite adversity, and we don’t want anyone telling us our struggles were manufactured by our privileged perspective, What most likely started as an evolutionary necessity, surviving by being part of the dominant group, benefiting from the pack’s safety, has become a wedge to keep us from truly reaching out to one another.

Now we all have to admit: “We have it better and we have it worse.” Or we will never be able to work together.

I’ll start:

I have it better than a lot of people. I was born in the U.S. where I was awarded privileges merely for having a mother who was a U.S. citizen. I have light skin, which gives me a clear advantage in our colorist society over people who are darker. I am able-bodied without any physical handicaps. I grew up in a community where I did not fear for my safety. I did not want for food or shelter. My Chinese heritage has always been seen as a nice sprinkling of the exotic rather than an indication of instability, aggression, or dishonesty. I am a cis female who has only had heterosexual partners; I can walk down any street and not worry about reactions to my partner and I.

I have it worse than a lot of people. I was born in the U.S. where women are systematically treated as less than men. I am ASAM, which while a “model minority,” is still less than Caucasian. I have always been a little chubby, because of our Western beauty ideals, I have been chastising my body since I can remember. I am first-generation, my father never taught my siblings or I how to speak Cantonese because he was too busy learning English; this has continually kept us from being able to speak with our extended family and other Chinese people. My father was diagnosed with congestive heart failure when I was nine, shading my entire adolescence with my family’s need to care for him. After the diagnosis he became increasingly traditional, we lived in a household with obvious patriarchal rules; I was taught my time was always less important than elders or males.

Writing this I see the inherent problem with attempting to unpack your privilege. In order for you, the reader, to see my privileges and disadvantages you need to know everything about me. You have to know my whole story and that of my parents. But no one wants to do this, can do this, so we go off the most obvious indicators. Skin. Appendages. Clothes. Hair. And it leaves me to wonder, what are our true privileges: how strangers see and interact with us? Or the taint of disadvantage we feel as Others, even amongst people who accept us for our exterior indicators of sameness?

Advertisements

Notes from 18MR’s #notyourasiansidekick Google Hangout

Viewable at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltti7WNREVI

Participants; Moderated by Pakou Her, Campaign Director at 18 Million Rising (http://18millionrising.org/)

Tanzila Ahmed, writer and organizer. (http://tazzystar.blogspot.com/)
Soya Jung, Senior Partner at ChangeLab. (http://www.changelabinfo.com/)
Suey Park, writer and organizer, who launched #NotYourAsianSidekick.
Kristina Wong, comedian and performance artist (http://kristinawong.com/)
Miriam Yeung, Executive Director of National Asian Pacific American Women’s Forum. (http://napawf.org/)

Topics

-there are grassroots organizations with digital and on the ground movement; important to meet each other

-move critical mass online to on the ground

-how to take a hashtag and make it a movement on the ground?

-how to include more people in the conversation?

BayAreaSolidarity Summer (http://www.solidaritysummer.org/): train young SASAM about skill sets, history, -isms, more of a connection between older and younger activists

Soya: help organizations, new and old, who have different resources, work together to engage as one, strengthen strategies for all; internal and external work as ASAM

Miriam: bring the conversations back to your family, need to have those difficult conversations; 80% of ASAM adults are foreign born; language capacity not provided by dominant culture; don’t understand your family and community’s capacity to join you; ASAM communities more progressive than is imagined

Bridge generation – first generation ASAMs

Movement on the ground and online – how to do it?

-Work done before digital organizing

Kristina: Show up where you’re not invited

Soya: ASAMS have played a part in the Right’s agenda of racist ideas – who deserves to be poor

-anti-Black racism

-stand up against anti-black racism; sometimes we experience push back because we should focus on our own issues

-criminalization, deportation, incarceration – usually not enough language available to push back, but something black communities have been dealing with for a long time, a new fight for our communities

Suery: ASAM not connected to other WOC

-shared issues?

-no one will invite you through the WOC gateway; WOC/POC has to be a political label

Pakou: White feminism is dominant culture shaping the conversation of feminism

Soya: Power at the national policy level is inadequate, find ways to support NAPAWF

-colorism is big gendered issue; shared issue for WOC

-look for local organizations working, get involved in electoral politics,

Youngist tumblr – space for young people writing

NAPAWF – join the listserv, retweet political activists tweets

-POC usually the token (reframe the space you’re given, point out you are the token), show up to places you aren’t invited to

Inspirational API people:

Soya: raise visibility of ASAM who are poor, low wage labor, LGBT poor & criminalized; stories not told – need organizing, training

Kristina: Jude Narita (http://www.judenarita.com/): one woman show about being an ASAM W; portrayed ASAM women as real humans

Miriam: Sarita Gupta (Executive Director at Jobs With Justice) her about immigrants; mothers of NAPAWF in 1995 – went to UN in Beijing, wanted to participate in conference

Tanzila: Vandana Shiva (http://www.commondreams.org/vandana-shiva), Yuri Kuchiyama, Grace Lee Boggs, Jenny Yang (dis/orient/ed comedy)

Suey: Grace Lee Boggs, (“We are the ones we have been waiting for”), Helen Za

-assimilation; couldn’t say anything about experiencing racism first hand

-freedom to speak up because of those who handled racism in a wink and a whisper

Relevant Hashtags:

#iminthe78% : percent of ASAM who support abortion rights (http://reappropriate.co/?p=4077)

#blackpoweryellowperil

#blackpowerliberasian

#muslimrage

I’m Trying to Figure Out How To Save The World

I’m trying to figure out how to save the world
Men reshaped and molded it, using one element and then the next
Ignorant to the state of their neighbors
Most people on the world are slaves to the limits of their resources
We are not equals
But now we must put aside our differences
Forget what one has done to the Other
To save this earth, stripped and shaved
This earth that is not my body, to be claimed, capitalized on and discarded
As if there will be no lasting effect
As if I don’t remember the night I realized I could die
The night I thought I would leave
But didn’t
This earth cannot be me
Silent, waiting
Hoping things will get better
Hoping if we understand the man he will stop
Thinking time will heal it, him
The earth, this society, is singing its death song
And most of us haven’t even found our voice yet

I do not know how to act
My stereotype threat prepares me for every important encounter
Speaking on a subject I am impassioned about, but poorly educated on
When will there be enough information to convince you I am not a woman?
Someone they assume knows nothing
Holding a lowly position
Any position
I am afraid of

It’s easy to forget my agency
To feel like it was taken, used too quickly by those with power
Who never asked
I never asked

Now, equality cannot be the issue
We must save this body
This body they have used
To what end
Another man in charge
Following what another man tells me is a good idea
I do not want his agenda to be my agenda
I want us, the silent us
To be what saves the earth

I cannot sit by
Not knowing what action looks like
Not holding the optimism necessary to embark on this endeavor
I have other things to do
Work on this belly roll
File my taxes
Order more contacts
Drink more water
Make art
Invest
Couldn’t someone else do it?

The State of Women Of Color in the US

The State of Women Of Color in the US

I like to have stats like this in my back pocket when people try to argue with me that “racism/sexism doesn’t really exist anymore. Is there any research to prove that?”

And then:
“What are the sources for this?”

What is this, a PhD panel? Whenever you’re having a casual conversation about racism/sexism with a white man/woman (not all of them obviously, but rarely have I encountered this while talking to another woman of color) suddenly they need to have accredited academic sources for everything you’re saying. I never ask for sources to back up THEIR DAY TO DAY EXPERIENCE.